May 22, 2003: After Ari Fleisher and Christie Whitman turned in their resignations this week in order to spend more time with their respective spouses, rumors have been flying about which other Bush officials are going to jump ship before campaign season. Here’s a list of likely leavers, and their reasons:

• Colin Powell: “I’m sure I saw some weapons of massive destruction in Iraq, so I’m going to find them myself.” Colleagues report he has been spending hours each morning bidding on hand-held metal detectors on eBay.
  
  
• John Ashcroft: “The demands of personally tracking the movements, phone calls, and reading habits of my neighbors, relatives, and Martin Sheen have evolved into a full time job, which I feel it is my patriotic duty to continue to fulfill.”
  
  
• Donald Rumsfeld: “If the wusses at the UN won’t do it, I’m going to personally kick massive terrorist-loving Syrian butt.”
  
  
• Tom White: “Having decided to leave Enron, I felt it would be a conflict of interest to also remain in the Bush administration.”
  
  
• Tom Ridge wouldn’t give a quote, but sources say he suddenly felt a massive desire to retire to a padded underground bunker until mommy assures him that the terror alert level has gone down to green.
  
  
• Kim Jong Il: “I am resigning my role as Junior member of the Axis of Evil, since it seems clear that a promotion is not forthcoming.”
  
  
• Karl Rove: “I’m tired of not getting enough public recognition for my talents as a conniving amoral manipulator, so I’m resigning to join the fall cast of Survivor.”
  
  
• Joe Lieberman: “I’m resigning from the Republican party in order to clearly distinguish myself from my competitors in the Democratic primaries.”

In other shifts within the administration, Jayson Blair has been transferred from his position as Director of Covert Operations to Discredit the Liberal Media to the Division of How Do We Portray Bush as Good for the Economy, with the title of Lead “Researcher.”

Having already been forced out of his position as Enemy Number One by Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Ladin has decided to pursue work that will keep him out of the international spotlight for a while. A spokesperson said he was seriously considering starting up a bloody dictatorship in a large West African country.